How Free

My Stubborn Habit

I wanted to take a few minutes to write about what I ate yesterday.  I have struggled with my weight and body image on and off for much of my life, and I’d like this to change.  Writing may help.
I visited my parents this weekend so I woke up to my mom’s banana bread–yum.  It has chocolate chips in it, and usually I put a few more on top before microwaving.  Yesterday, I didn’t.  The bread was really good in itself. I also had a glass of milk.
I didn’t munch on anything during the drive home. There are times when I do. I didn’t have anything in the car i especially wanted to eat, and I didn’t feel like getting anything on the road. I was driving home earlier than usual, so I wasn’t hungry yet (when I drive home later, I typically want to buy lunch or snacks for the drive home).
When I got home, i wanted something small before going to church.  I grabbed a mozzarella stick–what we used to call string cheese when I was growing up. I knew I wanted something savory to tide me over–and it worked.
I was pretty hungry after church, and my husband and I went to Chipotle where I got hard shelled bean and rice tacos with some cheese, tomato and lettuce. I think this is the healthiest meal I eat out.
I was full for hours, but i kept craving sugar or chocolate or both–I couldn’t tell for sure. I wasn’t hungry, though, so I held off, took a nap and walked the dogs.  When I got back I asked my husband what time he wanted to eat dinner and when he didn’t say “let’s eat now” or even “let’s eat soon,” I decided to have a snack.  I had made chocolate chip zucchini muffins, which I feel good about eating for a snack, and so that’s what i grabbed.  It was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good.  I was full again and my sweet tooth was satisfied. That was about 4 hours after lunch, and I’d say I was craving the sugar for maybe 3 hours after lunch. this is something i experience often-though not always–wanting something sweet after a meal.
then, i ate dinner an hour or so after that. I didn’t feel like my usual dessert right away. I knew i was going out to a 12-step meeting and sometimes I want to have a snack before the meeting. i think that i do it to calm any anxiety I have or frustration at not really wanting to go out but wanting to be at the meeting. i told myself i could eat my dessert when I got home.
When I got home, I didn’t ask myself whether I still wanted my snack. I had put it off longer than usual, and eating this snack is what i do.  it is my habit. So I made it and ate it.  It was good.
I went to bed about 45 minutes after that.
This morning, I thought, “I wonder how I’d feel today if I didn’t have that snack.” Would I feel deprived? Would I be happy I hadn’t eaten it? Would I feel both these things? It’s likely.
So I decided to write about it, and see if it helps me draw any conclusions. I’d love to have more peace about it.




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