Throughout my life, my biggest struggle has been with self-criticism over my weight. I was never one of those super-skinny girls and I so desperately wanted to be.
It’s likely there are a lot of different issues wrapped up in how I think about my body, from feeling like I’m not good enough, feeling like I’m not likeable, inability to take risks, to stress and pressure from outside myself, to advertisements and society’s ideals. So this thing I’m calling my biggest struggle likely has tentacles in lots of different areas.
I’m writing about this because at 42 I am still struggling with my body and how i feel about it. I justify it now by stating that my worst nightmare has come true–I am “grossly” overweight.
One funny thing is that i think i feel the same about my weight as i did 10, 20, 30 years ago (yes, 30 years. I first remember being worried about weight at 12, though I can remember being shamed about my body at maybe 5 years old.) My distress has certainly increased and decreased over the years, or even within a day at times, but to some degree my self-acceptance has grown as my body has, so that though I am actually overweight now, i don’t think i feel worse than when i was 20 and, in my mind 10 lbs overweight. To be only 10 lbs overweight now seems like it’d be a miracle.
Certainly my mental health when i was criticizing myself over the years, was not good, but now I’m mentally and emotionally much more stable due to meds, therapy and other work on myself.) it’s my physical health that has held the consequences lately. I’ve got high blood pressure–something I never ever ever thought I’d have since I’ve always worked out.
I’m writing about this now because I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried so many healthy ways to get fit, from working out with a trainer to going to a dietician. (I’ve not done any “extreme” diets like the grapefruit only diet or eat only green things, etc.) I’ve focused on health instead of weight, I’ve changed my language around weight and so, so much more.
I always wanted that last breakthrough–the epiphany that helps me both accept myself and create a body in which I’m comfortable.
I’m considering participating in a support website, and it’s likely there are other things i can do, but just for today, I want to acknowledge where I am. I am struggling, even though I have a body that helps me do everything I love to do each day, and that I’m unhappy about how I look and feel.
Seeking peace,
Jaye
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