My Career ~ Part 4

This post covers parts of the second half of my career. I labeled some sections with dates, but I don’t have a smooth timeline. The dates I am trying to show don’t necessarily go in order. I’m just trying to remember and share when these things were happening in general. I hope they are useful to you as you read!

2020 to the present

It’s only been the last 2-3, years that I finally started saying I wasn’t going to try to make changes at my college anymore. I finally started sharing that people didn’t listen to what I had to say, they didn’t want what I wanted. The college was not interested in providing an excellent or wonderful education. They are ok with providing an ok education for most, a great education with the few initiatives that could help a few students shine—enough to bring in more donors.

It took me a long-ass time to realize that I was in a conservative institution surrounded by a conservative community. Since we are also a college town with two 4-year universities (one public and one private), I had enough connection with people who thought more like me. Those with the money and power, though, make different decisions.

I realize these are still “stories” I’m telling myself. Are they any more or less true than the one I was telling myself about not belonging?

Around 2015-2020

I didn’t realize it until later, but there was a faction of faculty forming that wanted teachers in our department to do the same thing and I resisted. This small group planned together and for at least one semester, they taught the same lesson as each other every day. This actually sounds like fun to me today–to be so connected with a group of teachers that they plan and implement their ideas together and then reflect on how things went. The challenge I had at the time is that I didn’t jive with some of the teachers. I didn’t feel like they heard me when I spoke in meetings, so I was not going to put my teaching, even partially, in their hands.

I didn’t realize until later how much not participating cut down on even my influence in the department. I don’t think most of the faculty respect me other than when we talk one-to-one. I like to think that when we talk, most of them value what I say and consider it. A few don’t, and I think those few spoil the others in larger situations.

During these years, I went to meet with a job coach who helped me see why I wanted to leave, what didn’t fit me so well but that so much of my job really did fit me. The coach helped me see that some of my discomfort was that I would spend a good amount of my teaching day extroverting. I had a hard time recharging before I had to do it all again the next day. However, my idealism, my desire to work with students, my enjoyment of reading and writing–those aspects of my job fit me really well. These are the reasons I stayed.

I worked on things I could change and I strove to appreciate the aspects of my job that I enjoyed. I also had nothing else I wanted to do, I still needed to work full time, and I didn’t know of anywhere else I wanted to work.

Around 2018 – present

Over these last 4 years or so, I am connecting with students more on an emotional level (through Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication). I am doing what I want whether it follows my college’s rules or not—I always feel guilty for not following the college’s rules but not guilty enough to do what they want.

I have gotten a lot of positive feedback from students these last few years. The success coaches—anyone I come into contact with that also comes into contact with students compliments me about how much I care. Well, I do care and caring so much is tiring, and with how many students I care for, I can’t keep it up.

I am so so tired. And I want to have influence within my institution.

Peace Out (And In),

Julie